Why we fear saying “I don’t know” and what to say instead
Why is it so hard for people to say “I don’t know”? Saying "I don't know" can be incredibly difficult because it leaves us feeling vulnerable. Our adaptive child part, which develops coping strategies early in life, sees admitting uncertainty as a threat to safety or belonging. This is particularly true in marginalized identities, where societal pressures often create a need to overperform to validate one's place at the table. For many, admitting “I don’t know” feels like exposing a weakness or risking judgment, whether in relationships, work, or leadership. This can trigger shame, anger, or even a need to overcompensate with superiority to avoid that vulnerability.
In personal contexts, such as parenting or partnerships, uncertainty can feel like failure. For instance, a parent might struggle to admit they don't know how to handle their child's meltdowns or why their relationship is on the rocks, leading to anxiety and avoidance. In these moments, we tend to use word salad, half-truths, or deflect with anger because admitting uncertainty feels too threatening.
Why is it important and okay to admit that you don’t know something? Embracing uncertainty is not only okay, but crucial for growth. It allows us to remain open, receptive, and curious. When we admit we don’t know, we shift from defensiveness to vulnerability—a space where real problem-solving and relational healing can begin. Particularly in relationships, saying “I don’t know” opens the door to collaboration and exploration, which is essential for moving through challenges together. Learning to sit with the discomfort of not having an answer can actually reduce the shame we feel and lead to more authentic, constructive outcomes.
Alternatives to saying “I don’t know”:
“That’s a great question; let me think about that for a moment.”
This approach gives space to process the question without the pressure of an immediate answer, fostering self-reflection.“I’m not sure, but I’d love to hear more about your perspective.”
By inviting others into the conversation, this option emphasizes openness and collaboration rather than avoidance.“I don’t have the answer right now, but I’m committed to figuring it out.”
This demonstrates accountability and commitment, especially important in leadership or caregiving roles, where people rely on you for guidance.
Each of these responses reduces the stress of uncertainty by maintaining connection, curiosity, and an openness to learning. They offer a way to engage in a more honest dialogue without the need for immediate certainty.